...takes deep breath ...
Recently I decided to come clean to my husband of ten years about a big secret that I have been keeping and I wasn't exactly sure how to go about making my confessional. Should I wait until the heat of the moment and scream the truth in the throes of passion? Or wait until he was half asleep and whisper it into the darkness? Perhaps I should sit him down with the age old "Honey, we need to talk," which causes him to get that look like I've just hauled off and kicked his truck. After spinning my wheels for a good long while, I decided instead of telling him, I would just show him...like with a power point or something. (Joking)...I suck at power point.
Instead I utilized Pinterest and made a board of all the naughty little things I want to do but have been too afraid to admit. (And without delving too deep into my past, lets just say that I was taught from a very young age that my body was something I should be ashamed of. That touching myself is a sin, sex is nasty and the desires and wants of my body are wrong and dirty - to say that I have some issues is putting it mildly) Anyway, several days and three hundred pins later, I felt that I had a board that sufficiently reflected the things that I wanted and desired for our relationship and our sex life.
That night after our girls were asleep I brought him into our bedroom and pulled up my Pinterest page. Lets just say that he was shocked. He spent several minutes scanning the pins, pausing to look at a few of the more explicit pictures, while I sat sweating bullets. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he looked up at me and said, "There are a lot of dominant/submissive pictures on here." I nodded in agreement, waiting to see what he would say next.
"Do you like these?" Again I nodded that I did and said that I hoped that he liked them too. He then asked me if the things happening in those pictures are things that I would enjoy doing myself and I quickly told him that I would like to try all of those things and more. I felt so liberated in my confession, and the fact that he didn't run away horrified and cursing the day I was born, that I went on and kind of let the cat out of the bag...or the panties... (hehe). I had never felt so honest in my life. I was terrified and gratified all in the same breath.
My confession sounded something like this...
Yes! I want to submit to you. I want to be tied up, held down, gagged, plugged, smacked, spanked, flogged, scrogged, clamped, collared...I want to kneel before you and be punished by you. I want to stand in the corner with my panties around my ankles. I want you to let me please you and serve you. Yes, I've kinda been lying to you when I said that I have never masturbated when I was younger. The truth is I did it all the time and still do and I want to do it for you while you watch. Yes, I actually DO like porn, especially girl on girl porn. Yes! I like anal, I LOVE my dildo and wish it was bigger and I want you to bend me over your knee right now and spank the shit out of me!
YES!! YES!! YES!!
Ahem, he was a tad overwhelmed.
By the end of my confession I was bawling. Big fat tears pouring down my face and honestly I couldn't help myself; I was so relieved to confess, especially to him, what I have been carrying around for all these years. Even more importantly I was finally honest with myself. Lets face it, I am a woman with certain tastes and ten years of marriage, a lifetime of hiding, ignoring my urges, tamping down my feelings, being ashamed and choking down that damn Kool-aid have not changed my tastes.
It took my husband a long time to pick up what I was laying down and to say that he was fully on board with my way of thinking would be a big fat lie and way too easy. (rolling eyes) Of course he did like the idea of watching porn, the anal, watching me masturbate. He even bought me a larger dildo that I lovingly call Big Jimmy, a hot pink butt plug and some really mean nipple clamps. I talked him into a flogger and a leather crop too, which he whips me with sometimes during sex... Yes, these are all improvements from where we were, we are moving in the right direction at least. But see, the thing is, TTWD is a game for him...its fun while were in the bedroom, but he has no intention of letting it develop into a 24/7 lifestyle, which is what I truly desire.
So whats a girl to do...Research!!
I began researching my options, searching for a compromise, something to start him off slowly and ease him into a more dominant role. In my explorations I came across Domestic Discipline. I had never even heard of DD until I started stalking blogs like some creeper and realized, that while DD is not the ideal situation for me, it at least moves us in the right direction. It is a 24/7 lifestyle, I get to be submissive and accountable, I get rules and consequences and he gets to learn to be more dominant, the true HOH and it is something my husband is willing to try after some initial hesitation when I explained it to him. I would be lying if I said that I am completely satisfied with DD, but it is the closest thing to what I want and beggars can't be choosers, my mother would always say. So I am willing to compromise and give DD a go. (That doesn't mean I have given up on one day receiving my collar...a girl can dream after all)
So here we go, heading down a path new to both of us. I am excited to begin our journey and see where it leads us and despite the fact that I didn't receive the exact outcome to my little confession as I hoped, I am thankful that he is at least willing to try DD.
Baby Steps...that's my mantra.
I am however uncertain about one little detail and hope that those of you out in blog-land familiar with submission and DD can help me with. I enjoy spankings...I'm not saying that spankings don't hurt, because obviously they do. I guess what I'm curious about is, if I do enjoy spankings, would DD really work for us? Can DD lead to something deeper? And is this a good way to break my hubby into being more dominant?